Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
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its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.