friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You Might Also Like
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
one of
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
my mind
You just read my mind
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life