friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
LMFAOOOO
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Cannot stop laughing at this
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
