friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“I’ve got chills. They’re multiplying.” “Sir, you’re going into shock. Please stop narrating–” “And I’m losing control.” “Sir!”
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
🤭😂
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.