friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.