Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.

My husband: Get used to it kid.

Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.

yeah not falling for this one

“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”

“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”

Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.

Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha

Personal trainer: what’s so funny?

Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.

one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through

If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”

-People

“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart

i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese