FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
New PR on the treadmill today…I was able to hang 5 shirts and 3 pairs of pants
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?