Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

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GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”

My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.

Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.

friend: don’t worry so much

me: omg why what will happen

(Person choking)

Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?

Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this

My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.

ME: how old is your son?

WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months

Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.

“Daddy, how are babies made?”

“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help