“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
thank god the sign was there
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
S M O L
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole