Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific

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Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se


My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense


I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.


straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”


Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?


Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort


Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve


I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.


Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.


There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.