@randypaint

Friend: whats wrong

Me: [stuffing bananas & snow pants back into my backpack] I just think if u say we’re gonna see the Arctic Monkeys u should be more specific

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@ItsAndyRyan

Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se

@AuntCunt

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

@bluebonetbabies

I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.

@ElyKreimendahl

straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”

@mommy_cusses

Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:

@SvnSxty

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

@TwatWaffler69

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@Y_U_Hayden

Just clicked on an ad that said “Free Albums Here” But It linked to a download of a Nickelback album. Would have rather just gotten a virus.

@kamtweeting

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.