Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-

how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

Partner: It’s raining

Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

but if i put my laundry away, the laundry chair will be out of a job

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”

10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.

So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.

11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us

Me: Ok…

8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”

Me:

8yo:

11yo:

Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs