Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never deleting this app.

God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion

Angel: Sounds perfect

God: Lol, they have to pick two of three

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Nothing.

Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.

Me: No

Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.

Me: No way.

What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception

horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?

deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day

Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.

I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…

You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.

I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!

I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.

They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.