Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.

‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.

I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics

Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

seems like a niche market

Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself

I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.

TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?

🇺🇸🤭

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.

[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]

Server: Sir, please

Me: I didn’t say when yet

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

me: you died in poverty

clone of nikola tesla: damn

me: but now the world recognizes your genius

tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it

me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything