I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
never compromise your values
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?