Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

10,000 chores when all you need is a nap

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

I’m not sad, I’m big moaned

Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass

marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u

[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half

Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks

*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother

There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.

She obviously wasn’t blind at all.

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die

“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”

-wet laundry

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*