Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.

How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?

HER: i’m leaving you

HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?

HER: both

HIM: [under breath] inconceivable

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?

Me looking at your eyebrows

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside

That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.

You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.

NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA

I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.

same vibe as tangled headphones

me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??

grocery bagger: what