FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
my fav colour is also hitler
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
My dad was diagnosed with ornamental iron deficiency. He’s supposed to lick a metal handrail twice a day. I honestly feel doctors are just making things up.
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.