Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Outside liquor store]

Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?

Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.

[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

[Text]

18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!

Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?

I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane

Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

Her: Have we been to that restaurant?

Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.

Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.

Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

interviewer: why did you leave your last job

me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops

your daddy is a what now?

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?

“Sir, this is a liquor store.”

Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!

Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.