FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
You Might Also Like
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:
4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.
Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.
4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.
Me: …why?
4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.