Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
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Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Reminder:
