Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
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BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Unpopular opinion
The moon is actually way more useful than the sun. Because the moon gives us light at night when it’s dark. The sun only gives us light during the day when it’s already bright.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
If I have to use a revolving door, there’s an 80% chance I’ll come out the same side I went in.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?