Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.

I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.

what

😭😭😭

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment

*The British. The British need to hear this

All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.

Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.