Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
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Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Y’all ready for this
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Said the murderer.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.