Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
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Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.