Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
You Might Also Like
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.