Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
You Might Also Like
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Orange is oranging 🟠
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
grampa: why are u always on ur phone
me: why didn’t u stop hitler