Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
For the orator and chef in all of us
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
buys donuts instead
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.