Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”

Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..

This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it

BREAKING: I am a medical miracle

me: I’m going to the store to get bread

wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen

[later]

wife: did they have eggs?

me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

don’t never drink and drive. drive high.

I attended a workshop yesterday on how to deal with election anxiety and we basically had to make a written plan and most people were like “stay off social media” and I said, “I won’t start fights in the comments”

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

[Watching the Food Network]

Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!

Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.