Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing

Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.

I woke up and did 75 crunches.

Cap’n Crunches, but still.

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.

I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie

[harry potter, college edition]

Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-

Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already

Voldemort: wh-what

Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications

Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

me: *making sandcastles with my sister*

my mom: *takes away the urn*

I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

Encore…

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds