FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
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I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while