Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids

My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.

Dating is rough.

sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science

screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them

This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”

Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*

I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,

“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”

Cucumbers Anonymous