Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.

Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.

Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.

Me: speak for yourself

Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”

Me: I’m too scared to fly

Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash

Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?

I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese

“So you want a cheeseburger?”

Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad