friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Why font matters.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.