FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
asking santa clause for nudes
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.