Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes

*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*

me: hEY leave that little guy alone

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

My company promotes diversity

We’d never hire twins

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo

ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.

BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-

[wall breaks down]

SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY

BATMAN: No.

Labreador

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

At my interview

Him – what do you make at your current job?

Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments

All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

🍞🦆

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier

“want to go grab some dinner?”

*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire

Vampire: How did you find me?!

Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back

Vampire: So it was a stakeout

Me: lmao

Vampire: lmaoooo

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.

This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.

Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.