FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.
“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
My chess strategy is eating one of your pieces every time you look away.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.