friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
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Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
This will never not be funny 😭
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.