Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what the hell girl, sure

Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes

Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?

Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?

Cashier: Limes

Me: The other one, the dead body one

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

9 circles of hell in this economy?

[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.

Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in

Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!

Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want

Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )

I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

Get off of twitter and pay attention to me

Netflix, probably

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

[throws salad into a garden]

Go home boy…you’re free now.

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.