Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

You do you.

I’m gonna do me.

*married sex

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it

Me: Go get everyone for dinner please

6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!

Me: I meant go walk and get them

6: But I like using my mommy voice

Me:

6: The screaming

Me: I got it

“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

Confused owl: What?!

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone

my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…

me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN