Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctors appt]

Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.

Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.

Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.

Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*

Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down

This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.

Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*

Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?

Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in

If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”

Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong

Me: challenge accepted.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?

Machine learning algorithm: yes.

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

I hate when people say “Bite me” and then act all surprised…..

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous

Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.