Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?

Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

I’m pretty like a car crash.

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.

scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?

me: i’ll give it a go

scientist: but you were just here yesterday

me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more

*on time travel bus* oh you’re going back to kill hitler? uh yeah totally, me too *pulls jacket over spice girls world tour ’98 t shirt*