Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!

The evidence to the contrary:

Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.

When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.

Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

Man collapsed on the airport luggage carousel. Authorities think he’ll be alright. He’s slowly coming around.

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.

[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then

Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means

Dementor: what the hell

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

i now pronounce you bounced.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Me: Do you like my jeans?

Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉

Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?

Her: ….

My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.

If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.

Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning