FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
giddy up Office Depot
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out