Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.

>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled

Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol

Pentagon: he’s getting too close

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Me: Which cup do you want?

2-year-old: That one!

Me: Let’s pick a different one.

2-year-old: No!

*drinks milk from a shot glass*

Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples

Who called it “Monkey Business” instead of In-Ape-propriate behavior?

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.

But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.

Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake

– me trying to fill up my ice trays

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.

Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

yes… yes…

I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.

My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking

Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store