Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Made something I’m not proud of

Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.

People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.

One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.

“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.

Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year

Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.

When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.

Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

[job interview]

“Tell me a strength.”

I’m a decision maker.

“Excellent. How about a weakness?”

I’m a bad decision maker.

Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again

Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph