Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:

I’m mad and sad and doing very bad

Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.

“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

My children, who were born two years apart, recently informed me they are actually twins, that they know this on a soul-level, and that what happened was my youngest got tangled in a tube inside me somewhere and just sort of… hung out for two years on accident

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly

I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…

No matter what the store manager says.

A Lunch Poem:

Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).

Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.

Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.

Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up

The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here

me: I was busted by the cops

friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords

ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy

SATAN: holy shit

Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy

*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

Husband of the year 😂

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.