Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

[first time in a bed]

me: this blanket is really heavy

salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

centipede: *trips*

*but for like, an hour*

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.

I know this now.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

I live by one rule and only one rule. Anything can be turned into a casserole. And if you’re snobby about food, YOU can be turned into a casserole.

Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing

My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.

Bruh

My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.