friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please