Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this

Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner

OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.

Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.

I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.

me: you take my breath away!

scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank

You said imagine my life without you…

So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.

Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul

My therapist: no

“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”

Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.

Pro tip:

Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.

Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

[smallpox]

Only 1890’s kids will get this

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.