friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
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Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
PDF: *pops up at 176%*
Why are you yelling at me
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.