Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

So I just moved into my new apartment.

Directly below me is a police station.

It would appear that I am above the law.

Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?

My cat:…

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!