I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
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[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”