friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
You Might Also Like
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”