friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
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I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…
ME: whoa you guys serve here?
DOCTOR:…of tests.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.