Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.

I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme

women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.

If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.

“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?

“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.

(Job interview)

“How would you describe yourself?”

I’m very vague

“Ok, can you be more specific?”

No

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.