Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]

ME: Excuse me, what year is it?

MAN: It’s 830.

ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?

Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.

casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

I didn’t know they can drive…

[first day as a bartender]

*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*

me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?

girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes

me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!