Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
The Nobel Prizes are being announced this week, and once again, I have been snubbed. I’m starting to think they don’t even have a Nobel Prize in little internet jokes.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
