Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Mornin
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?