Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

[looking for our lost son in the mall]

ME: we should split up and find him

WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?

This guy’s not having it 😆

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”

CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

[job interview]

Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?

Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.

Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.