Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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Happy Caturday!
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.
Seems kinda suspicious
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
the only organized thing in my life is crime
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me