Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.

Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”

Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”

After: “Dis motherfucker…”

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?

Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.

I love being a postman.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.

What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask