Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
9: dad I don’t want to sleep in my room alone tonight. Can I sleep with you and mom?
me: aw bud, it’s okay. You won’t be alone in your room. There’s plenty of ghosts in there to keep you company.
9: MOM!
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
broke down and did it
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome