Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.

Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*

Me *giddy* I take their breath away!

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

*quits cold turkey*

*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.

be myself? the person who got me into this mess????

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

I love you just the way you are.

Though I do have a few suggestions.

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*

How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree

In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.

Alex Trebek: In which category?

Me: No question. I just need $1,600.

I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

I think this might be relevant today.

Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:

A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.