friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Whenever you feel like the world is falling apart, take a deep breath and remember you’re right.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
2024: “I’m sick of that Hawk Tauh Girl… When is her 15 minutes of fame gonna be up?”
2032: “I hope President Hawk Tauh Girl gets a second term.”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*