friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
gentlemen, hear me out
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.