Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!

Courtroom:

Me: … Well this is embarrassing

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

[ER Triage Room]

NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?

GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now

INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

me: [has anything]

my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that

Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.

She turns 15 on Sunday.

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”

I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.

I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze

Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.

visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.