Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
✨☝️✨
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.