Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Trains are just sideway elevators.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days