Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Digital security in Ancient Troy
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
Pikachu found the lost joint
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”