Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
seems fine
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Not telling the NYPD how to do their job but if they really wanted to catch the guy they should have offered free healthcare as a reward
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
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Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.