Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
These are so Plastic Man-core
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.