FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
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*serious situation*
My brain:
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Jail
Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons