FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
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GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw